Disgusting

So you'll end up with this awful feeling in your throat.
A bit like you need to puke.
And a bit like you need to scream.
But you won't be able to really decide between the two because they are both terrible.
Terrible is the way you'll feel though, so the actions go ahead and fit.
It's disgusting.
How did you ever come to feel this way, why'd you let it happen?
And you can let that disgusting salt water seep from your eyes.
It will taste disgusting.
Just like everyone you know. Disgusting habits. And disgusting carelessness.
Because when the bad comes, it comes all at once.
Terribly disgusting.

Pools

And the most beautiful thing has got to be the way your tears pool on the bridge of your nose when you're laying to your side and one cheek rests on the ground.
But it's one of the most saddening sights too.
There in that little pool of salty water are all your lost hopes, broken dreams, heart aches and sorrows, resting against your skin.
And it leaves a bad memory on your tongue.
Conflicting.


-B

Sometimes you can't be there for people, when you really really want to.

That sucks huh.

And it's because they, the one who is needing help or advice or a shoulder to lean on, is the one not letting you be there for them.

So you just have to wait, and that sucks too.

And you just know they are not coming to you for anything, unless the pain gets bad enough. And that's the last thing you want, for them to hurt like that. But at the same time the thought of them being close to you again is wonderful.


And so you're torn.

More talk.

You know, I think  it's good to write things down. No matter how silly or unbelievably mad they may seem.. It's good to have them recorded, so later you can go back and expand on that thought, maybe shed some new light to it. Or wonder what in the hell you were on that day and vow never to take it again.
I know I haven't been actually composing things lately. Short stories, or poems. Sorry about that, but my muse was  over used. Really it just up and walked out of my life for a time. But I'm sure it will be back, maybe in short bursts or maybe to stay for a time. I'm not sure yet. But for now I will share my thought trains, because as you have probably come to learn they are a bit wacky, but nice to ponder.
So here is a bit more to chew:

I know I have been playing around with religious subjects lately, putting strange spins on them, maybe insulting a few of you viewers, and I am sorry if so. But I'm not asking you to believe any of it, simply telling you what's in my head and giving you the allowance to mull it over, see how it tastes. So don't take this to heart, or do. I don't really care.
"God" is not real. Not in the sense I grew up learning any way. I believe in higher power. Because you yourself are a living breathing miracle. Ask any doctor or scientist. Child creation and birth is in so many ways, miraculous. And is you're old enough to be reading this then you should be able to grasp what I'm saying here. And if you're not getting it, then just stop while you're ahead because I don't explain much and my thoughts only get wackier from here.
So yes, I believe there has got to be something somewhere that is more than we can comprehend. But I'm not calling it God. No. For a long time I had a big giant problem with "God". I was so mad at him for many reasons, some personal, and some as public as the innocence of the Sandy Hook students. So yeah, I had a problem.
But this higher power is something I don't hold a grudge against, since I don't define it as a human, I have no knowledge of its emotional capability. For now I'm just going to say the higher power is around to make miracles, create beauty, and give people the warm fuzzies when they are doing something good or lovely. Kind of like a conscience, but for the whole earth and everything in it, instead of inside each individual being. Get it?

-B

More soul talk..

The sooner we figure out who we are, the sooner we will be at peace with ourselves. You are a soul. Souls have minds. You have a body. Bodies have brains. For your body to survive it needs health and nutrition. For you to survive, you- a soul, you need love and learning. So for each to survive you need health, nutrition, love, and learning. four things. But it's not that simple, expand on each. All four of those categories have many sub categories, and those sub categories have their own sub categories.
Get it?
You're a soul.
Clothes to a body is skin to a Soul. That's how it works. That simple. Now I won't tell you what to believe, but here is how I see it:
You're soul has had many bodies, and many not-bodies. Or At least I have. And I haven't quite figured out how to put it into words, how I know that my soul is an existence, and in my existence I have had many lives and will continue to have them. But when I figure out the words I will let you know. And I feel as though I have explained  this before, in another life of my existence. But I can't be sure, after all it is just a feeling. And I might be completely looney and this might all be wrong. But it might not be as well. So I am giving my instincts the benefit of a doubt, and telling you that I know this. Because really all that knowing is, is what is in your mind. Your mind inside of your brain. And these thoughts are inside mine. So I am a soul with a body. Like you, and everyone else.

-B

Don't ever underestimate the power of words.
With out a moments notice, some one can cause your heart to fall to your toes.
And your toes are certainly not where your heart should be.
My advice?
Don't let anyone hold your heart. Because their words will put it in your toes. Every time.


-B

Toes

Your heart doesn't belong in your toes.

So I'm standing here wondering what i can do, to give it someplace to go.

And my thoughts don't belong on the floor, 

But they  lie here in front of me where I can see them, but I would rather they walk out the door. 

A voice belongs in the air, 

where it can float and drift and be heard,

Yet how can I talk when the words say wouldn't be heard with care? 

And these hand just don't know where to go,

 so they pull at my hair and hit my pillows, because my fingers plus yours are all I know. 

-B

The moon

I thought the night was warm

And the air too 

Because the sun was hot

And the moon too

I think the moon is hot. 

Just because it glows.

And I could look it up. 

But what's the trouble in ruining an imagination? 

Exactly. So don't correct me if I'm wrong. 

Because my moon is a burning one. 

That's why it glows. 

And really I just keep writing this nonsense to hold back an extreme string of profanities wanting to fight back against the never fair never ending process we are going through. 

Life. 

I like to see life in everything. 

That's the way I see God. 

God is everything around me. In every pebble, grain, mountain, sea. 

My God is at least.

And I'm not asking you to believe, or even consider my idea of God. 

Because its my mind.

And it would be completely absurd to force it on you. 

Force. 

I feel like forcing anything or anyone in any way is a crime. 

You can only set a strong example and wish the best for them. 

Because no matter how successful your force seems to have turned out..

It is always a different story on the inside. 

In your mind. And your heart. 

And the forcer has accomplished nothing truly. 

Except the destruction of your relationship. 

And who's loss is it now. 

But I really do think the moon is burning. 

And I wouldn't quite mind If it burned out. 

And took me with it. 

Soul

I think I have a soul.
Sometimes I question it. What's the purpose of my soul?
Of any?
Is it to bond with a "soul-mate"? If so, how does your soul-shell find your soul's mate and it's accompanying body. And why are some souls so lucky as to have their mate placed so close in life. The same state, town, school, street.
"High school sweethearts".
Or is it just that those are the lazy souls that have given up from the very beginning. And are settling.
But settled souls seem  perfectly happy to me. So maybe thats not it.
Maybe a soul has multiple bonds. So many that there is indeed a good chance that you  will find at least one, or maybe two, more.
And what of divorce?
Do soul's bonds break? Maybe the soul just settled first. Then opened it's eyes got off it's laztas s and decided to search again for one of the "soul-mates".
But what of our minds? Your mind is of your body, isn't it? Or maybe  just the brain is of the body, and mind is of the soul. And that is where the two meet.
I think that's it.
But how come my mind won't show my brain all that it has experienced before being tied to this soul-shell? Did it even experience anything before? Is it choosing to keep all that can be known from my brain? Is my mind secretive and selfish..
Or is it that there wasn't anything before? And my sould was made as was my body. And together we have spent all the time that either has ever experienced.
And if so, that there was no before, is there also not an after? I will fade out in mind as I die in brain. And there will be nothing infinite of the sort? And if there is not a before, followed by no after, what is in between?  Is a soul a real thing? This is my brain begging my mind to elaborate for me. But maybe my brain and my mind are just the same thing.
But maybe this is my soul, my mind, fooling my brain and body. So that I don't guess all of eternity's secrets.
But maybe there are none to guess anyway.


-B

This One is for You.

The world is full of good people,
Yet the good are not always the best,
With rocky pasts, always coming in lasts,
Some more tortured than the rest.

My town is full of good people,
Carbon copied, perfect, all the same,
All dreams aside, their desires they hide,
To stray is to receive the black sheep blame.

You my friend, are good people,
Always made it on your own,
Troubled child, forever wild,
But in loneliness you're not alone.

-B

Sumer 2013 Bucket list

Buy a pair of mandals.
Get better at henna designs
Go on at least one extra fancy date
See GATSBY
Marry GATSBY.... I wish
Go to Oregon
Camping/ road trip.
Zion's
North Carolina
 trip to San Francisco with Erika to tour the art institute
Early college in the art program at weber state
Build up portfolio
Get more piercings
Become a long boarding bad ass
Meet new people
Climb a lot more
Change my hair again
Have fun during my last summer at home!!!

Do you Justice

Reminiscing,
Before the head games.
When words came easy and there were no pains.
When the warm summer air carried the smell of cut grass.
And I think of your eyes, because they are green.
Sometimes I listen to that old Taylor Swift song.
The one that says your name,
Like it's written just for you, because her words are spot-on.

And I wish I could do you justice like that.

-B

Halves

Half a face
Half a life
Hiding behind two big eyes
Your full identity can't be seen
When you can not find your complete mean
Half a face
Half alive

-B

Rage

The world is blue.
When you pan-out and look through.
The colors combine, and they make blue.

The pain is real.
Doctors bandage the broken earth.
But band-aids are not enough anymore, the pain is real.

Our society is pathetic.
A stereo typical, mass judgement that might not apply to you.
But probably.
Self righteous humans with their head so far up their ass.
Our  society is pathetic.


How can we fix it.
Take back the wars- the massacres. Forget the politics.
We cant. How can we fix  it.

-B

Feel Whole

Like the smallest member of a nest, I am frustrated.
Envious eyes watch the others take flight.
Your time will come, but never change who you are.

Like the longest lasting tree in Fall.
Waiting to loose the last leaves and welcome the cocaine clouds to the ground.
Your time will come, but never change who you are.

Don't even be someone like you, why cheat your soul?
When the people you share your time with don't want the whole truth; the whole you.
Then you're leaving a whole lie.

Holding back is only blocking potential.
Potential for you; to go places, to feel whole.
Potential for others. Be an inspiration.
Show everyone how great it is to be you.

Accepted or not.

Your time will come. You'll love your bones and feel home in your skin.
You might as well get a head start and work up to it.

Don't change for anyone.
Don't deny your spirit.

-B

For All My Friends, I appreciate you.

Best  friends are a rock.
A smooth, cool stone.
Stabilizing, and calming.

I don't know about a God.
But I know that there is a higher power.
This higher power is all around us.

A best friend, a stone.
A strong shoulder to lean on.
A secret keeper,a journal.

In the face of old age.
Their wrinkles are not only theirs, they're yours as well.
The story of your hardships and friendships etched in skin.

The higher power is the nature. The sky and the animals.
My higher power at least.
My best friends. And kind faces.

The things I'm not that make me who I am.
The people that shape me like clay.
My best friends.


-B

Sheep

A wild heart that beats in roller coaster motion to life.
A beast inside rebelling the ebb and flow of society.
Tranquil wars that contradict every corner of a round mind.
Sound words hide the mental cracks.
Cracks showing through to a world of color.
Like portals to something more real than life itself.
And so unrealistic.
Small  peep holes to a beautiful madness of complete understanding.
A better place.
Logic never was logical in the long run.
So different that they're all the same.
-B